My life is better than yours

ATTENTION

2007-09-19T06:07:00.000-07:00

NICOLE IS A CROTCH PHEASANT

FEEL FREE TO VENT

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=516242476

that is all

3.45 am Wednesday 16/05/07

2007-05-16T04:26:00.000-07:00

My mind had been slowed for nearly six days due to lack of sleep. The doctor called it flu induced insomnia and refused any sort of sleeping aid due to the apparent fact that it will make matters worse. Personally I could not care less. The two hours of broken sleep I had benefited from during my shivering, headache filled week did not, surprisingly, supply me with the rest necessary to break out of my sickness. Another, perhaps less obvious, side effect to my semi wake state of mind, is the abundance of time I had newly achieved. While you were all sleeping, I lay in my bed, listening to music and dwelling over past events in my life.

In my ever increasing philosophical state I envisioned my examination as like sitting on a beach. There, in the quiet hours after midnight the night rolls and breaks and tosses up my losses and gains like bits of wreckage. All that’s left of one ship or another. I ceaselessly examine the bits of wreckage in the surf as though we can put the past together again. At the time revelations enter my mind which seem to be the heart felt way to follow through, however when the light of midday begins to hurt my eyes, I realise that I was merely torturing myself. Foolishly enough I repeat the process and in possessing a human mind I fear I am doomed to repeat for ever more in those precious hours of the morning.

As I lay lost on my ever expanding beach, I walked along the remains of the day. Watching Heroes, avoiding study, been harassed by my seminar supervisor for having to extend my presentation. The day seemed to have been a waste, aside from the promised prospect of a face off I have been waiting for, for months. While examining these details in my mind, the room in which I lay seemed to have decreased in temperature. I thought it safe to assume that the constant cold flushes I had been assaulted by, attributed to this and without a second though pulled my blanket up to my chin. The thought of a presentation in front of thirty people I barely knew began to preoccupy my thoughts as the night wore on. After deciding to employ the “view the crowd naked” routine was probably a bad idea, I rolled over for the ceremonial checking of my bed side clock. Time seemed to drag while lying on my beach. In this case though, it seemed much worse. it seems that only five minutes had passed since the last time I checked my clock, which surely should have been hours ago. I began to shiver again as I angrily rolled back over.

Then, suddenly, breathing. Breathing to echo my own. As I began to get my body back under control a noise broke the sacred silence of 3:45 in the morning. A yell, so deep and so loud erupted in my room. The sudden frightening voice screamed “LEGION” as the doors of my closet at the end of my bed flung open. The fright which I received from this bellowing voice and movement pumped an instant dose of adrenaline through my veins. I released myself extremely vulnerable and in two quick motions I ripped off my sheets and was then standing by my bed. A figure too dark to recognise moved with impossible speed from the blackness of the closet towards me. In the micro-second I had to react I began to think it strange that I could not make out who this is despite my room been very bright at night due to a street lamp outside my window. I was only able to proceed to “despite my room” in my thought track before the figure was upon me.

It was much larger than myself and even up close too dark to recognise. With the gained momentum it had accumulated by its dash from hiding, the figure jumped at me, hitting full force with its hands around my neck. The power it possessed was incredible. If the walls of my room had not been paper thin, I sure would have had my back and neck broken on impact. Instead I broke through the wall, back first with the figures ever present hands clasped around my neck. Splinters and parts of the wall flew with us as we tumbled to the floor of my flat mate’s room with its bulk on top of me. I lay on the floor of his room with my vision obscured by the pitch black attacker. I sensed movement and objection from the bed which was too high for me to see the top. The figure’s hands tightened relentlessly. It then moved its darkened face to within centimetres of mine and whispered in a growl “for I, am many”.

Unfortunately this short story of the events which occurred at 3:45am on Wednesday morning has the most depressing ending possible to tale. And then I woke up. Welcome to the scariest dream I have had in two years. The simple ability of been able to have a nightmare in an extremely real environment makes me despise my mind even more than the beach it quarantines me to on a nightly basis. The absolute kicker of the story was that it was 3:47 when I awoke in cold sweat. Meaning in the two minutes of sleep I had scored in the past forty eight hours (I managed to achieve a broken two hours, two days previous) I managed to wake myself. True story aside from the devil busting out of my closet and trying to kill me. Go team.

Sweet dream’s y’all
;D

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beach

Here's the story of a charmless man.

2007-03-11T17:54:00.001-07:00

I met him in a crowded room. Where people go to drink away their gloom. He sat me down and so began, the story of a charmless man. Educated the expensive way. He knows his claret from his beaujolais. I think he'd like to have been ronnie kray. But then nature didnt make him that way.

Prepare for Glory....

This is madness!

THIS

SPARTA

Bitch Please

2007-02-11T03:15:00.000-08:00

So I have been away awhile. Training, drinking, getting sun burnt and of course more drinking. I thought I left reality in a stable position. But no! Oh no! Bitches be running rampant! Oh Nigga Please do they be running rampant!

I have had my share of Bitches in my day but dis one bitch be trippin. I'll stop with the ghetto talk now. So anyway, this one bitch has been fluffing around in my mates life for the past year and all she does is fuck things up. As soon as he starts to recover she comes along and fucks away everything he has accomplished. Not only did she break his heart in an epic fucking way but she keeps dragging him along. So the guy reaches out to his mates for support, fair enough. As the ex all black depressed guy says "you gotta grab hope! and hold onto it". He writes about his problems because he is a shy guy and people give him shit when he stops bottling up whats eating him inside.

So then this bitch has the nerve, nay, the AUDASITY to try and take this away from him. Why you ask? Because it is messing around with her relationship. The same relationship that she had been having while she was breaking his heart. WELL FUCK YOU BITCH

So she is apparently going to take legal action for someone saying that she is a bitch on the internet. What are you? Fucking retarded? Die screaming you moron. You god damn loopy cunt.

Jessica, I hate you and everything you stand for. Take legal action on me you whore.

Edit: Please feel free to comment on why you too wish for this shit bucket to fall down a seven story elevator shaft with spikes at the bottom. Then have the elevator at the top fall on her and explode.

One ham to rule them all and one pimpin son of a bitch to bind his ass

2006-12-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

Entering my apartment today there was a strange aroma in the air. After sniffing around I managed to isolate where the smell was coming from, my fridge. In a split second, my mind raced with all the possibilities of what it could be.
Milk? I haven’t bought any milk for weeks
Bread? The loaf was left on the counter
Butter? I haven’t had it long enough for it to go off (if butter ever does)
Jam? Jam is delicious
After exhausting all options of the contents of my fridge, I decided that I might as well just check to see. But as I reached for the door my hand froze as I realised the frightening realisation of the origin of the smell. A creature from an inter-dimensional vortex had some how managed to rip a hole in the space/time continuum and enter our reality through a portal created in the back of my fridge. After such a feat the creature must have much of its strength drained. It would be resting in my fridge until it had regained its strength and once this occurred there would be no stopping it. It would burst from its cold smell ridden white tomb and go forth to cause havoc all over the world until it had consumed the entire human race.

I quickly looked around my flat for a weapon. The closest item of worth was a large carving knife. With this in hand I once again placed my hand on the door of the fridge and prepared myself to fight for humanity. I pulled the door and let it swing open slowly with my knife at the ready. And there, resting on the bottom shelf was a ham. This was not just any ham; it was a delicious looking ham. I never bought that! I screamed to no one. As my stomach grumbled I remember how hungry I was. Many of you guys haven’t known me long enough to know that when I get hungry I get really shitty and unreasonable. If only I could have solved this problem earlier. After not eating all day I decided that a ham would go down just swell. A hunger I had never felt before made me forget about my crusade for the human race. The ham was all mesmerising.
I placed the delightful chunk of flesh on my counter and began to cut off the top layer of fat with the knife I was holding.

No sooner had I cut off the top layer of fat then the ham began to float. It rotated slowly until a face had formed.
“PUNY MORTAL” It said in all caps. “YOU HAVE AWOKEN MY AFTER MY TRAVELS. NOW I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR AMAZING MAN STRENGTH INTO MY OWN. WITH YOUR POWER AND INTELLIGENCE I WILL MAKE SHORT WORK OF THIS DISGUSTING PLANET”
“Like shit you will!” I replied as I began hacking away at the pompous floating meat. It tried to fight back but it was no match for my very developed biceps of doom. Soon the whole kitchen was covered in ham. In all of my slicing and dicing a piece of ham got onto my hand. All of the sudden the little pieces of ham that I had sliced up began to wiggle towards me. I tried to stop it but there were too many of the sticky little fuckers. They swarmed up my hand and soon my whole body was covered in pink ham.

“HAHA” I heard the maniacal laugh of the ham voice but not through my ears but actually inside my head. “I HAVE TAPED INTO YOUR BRAIN. YOU HAD NO DEFENSES UP AGAINST MY SUPERIOR INTELECT! HERE IS WHAT I HAVE PLANNED FOR YOU! YOU WILL BE MY FIRST HAM MINION”. I suddenly had a flash of myself as a ham been commanded around by Lord Ham. “My god!” I thought.
“LORD HAM WILL DO YOU FOOL” the voice cut me off.
“It looks like the world would doomed to be ruled by ham”
“THAT IS RIGHT MORTAL”
“Not only are you stupid but you are rude, cutting people off like that”
“YOU DARE TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT. WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘WOULD BE DOOMED’?”
“You forgot one thing lord ham” I said with a grin on my face “In placing your consciousness inside my mind to control me you underestimated the strength I have”. Lord Ham gasped as he (if it even had a gender) realised what I was doing. “Instead of you devouring my strength, I have tricked you into letting down my mental guard and let you enter my mind. Now, you are mine!”
“NO! I STILL CONTROL YOUR BODY! I WILL KILL YOU BEFORE YOU COULD DO SUCH A THING” as he said this, I saw my hand reach back for the knife. I had however planned for this, through years of mental training I commanded my head to move towards my arm and I began eating the ham.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Lord Ham screamed. I didn’t listen to his cries as I began to devour lord ham’s incarnate body. I didn’t stop until there was nothing left.

By the end there was no ham left. Only the power of which lord ham previously had. Instead of keeping the world dominating power to myself I cast to back into the void of which it came and sealed the portal. That is how I once again save the reality of which we live in.

That wonderful time of year

2006-12-05T04:15:00.000-08:00

Christmas… Well. Here we are again. It always sneaks up on you doesn’t it cause fuck knows it did on me! Its only December 5th and already I feel like I have been accosted by Crisco ads (time is ticking ticking, look guys there goes another daaay), and Christmas sales. I know the general trend for people on rants about Christmas to merely be “blah I hate xmas etc”. However I am not of this opinion, I can take it or leave it.

Pros:

Time and a half at work

Sun

Presents

Food

Booze

Cons:

It’s annoying as fuck and commercialised up the ass

Numerically speaking Christmas should be an amazing time of year. However math is the dim witted (a whole nothing argument). I don’t need to dive into the annoying facts too much but you know what I’m gonna anyway!

Santa:Created by Coco Cola. Great soda, annoying ad campaigns. I can see why Christians are angry that the jolly fat guy is taking Jesus’ glory away. Jesus got an ass kicking for our sins and all the fat man does is pull overtime one night a year. This is assuming either is true of course

Eggnog: Ewwwww

Children: I know what you’re thinking, He’s not going after children is he, and I say welcome to the party. The last thing I need this fucking month is some snot nose (I know its cliché but they always have runny noises) screaming, fat, dirty, ugly, dumb little kid running around screaming about the latest toy he/she wants. Oh but children are so cute! How can you hate all of them? Not true. I don’t hate all of them. I judge them on a case by case basis. The problem been; the majority of children are not funny, smart or cute. The majority need a fucking spanking by their parents.

Suicide:Very high in the holiday season. People realise how alone they are and off themselves.

Bummer Sales:ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING SALES! I KNOW! OKAY! I FUCKING KNOW! ITS CHRISTMAS AND I HAVE TO BUY SHIT! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE

Those are just off the top of my head. Please feel free to contribute. Now remember boys and girls you can’t let December wear you out. It’s only the 5th. You have to pace yourself. It’s like a game you see. You can’t just come out screaming and sprinting in the first 5 minutes, you have to pace yourself. Around the 15th you are gonna hit a wall. But you have to power through! Determination, dedication, stamina. You have to take it seriously because it’s not a game. 10 points if you guess the reference Also I managed to get my hands on some pictures of the warning manual of the Nintendo Wii. Just to hype people up more for the holiday season:

Warning : Nintendo Wii needs sleep. If you wake it early it will be cranky.

Warning: Eat the cord twisle before your cat / dog does

Warning: Dont take your Wii's lucky charms

Racism :D

2006-11-28T17:48:00.000-08:00

Ever since Michael Richards (Kramer) flipped out on hecklers, racism has once again jumped into the lime light of our stupid culture. In this politically correct world gone mad a simple man doing a stand up routine has shocked (omg horror) millions of people by simply repeating a word over and over. NIGGER! Wow wasn't that fun? Here's a few definitions from around the net in case you didn't know what it meant

http://captainoftheussinevitable.ytmnsfw.com/?4e1365c56a87928ae8502d40e1b5ce6e
(you need to use Mozilla to play this. Give it a bit to load)

WordNet:The noun nigger has one meaning: Meaning: (ethnic slur) offensive name for a Black person Synonyms: spade, coon, jigaboo, nigra

Wikipedia:Nigger is a term used to refer to dark-skinned peoples, especially Africans or people of African descent. Its use by other races, particularly white people, is regarded as offensive in most social contexts.

Wait just a minute! "Is regarded as offensive in MOST social context"? What the hell. Fuck, Cunt, Spick, Gook, Towel Head, Bastard are not acceptable in any social context. Why should Nigger get treated any different? It’s because as many of you already know its "their word" if your white or "our word" if your black. What the fuck ever happened to freedom of speech.

Just to clarify I am well aware of the power of words. Many people still cringe at the "N-word". Rappers use it all the time yet it’s okay because it's their word. African Americans make up around 15% of the population in the USA while people of Latino decent make up a much larger 23%. Spick is a racist slur used for Latino's yet it is not even considered on the same par as Bitch. "But good Sir!" I hear you say "This is because African Americans suffered at the hands of white slavery and this is where the word originates". As I look you up and down I understand that when you say this you mean well but I do not take been sandbagged lightly.

"You are an Idiot" I declare "Do you think African Americans were to only ones to suffer at the hands of the colonialist whites? NO! White Americans settlers were warring with the Native Americans for nearly a century and the eventual out come was deemed by many to be genocide. While when South America was settled 98% of the population was killed. 98 FUCKING PERCENT. They essentially stole the entire southern boarder from Mexico killing anyone who got in their way!" I can see the look on your face. "All the while" I continue "Calling these people Spicks... Personally I would rather be kidnapped then have my entire race wiped out. But that’s just me". I can still see the shocked look in your face.

http://www.wbbm780.com/pages/134073.php?contentType=4&contentId=248291
Jesse Jackson (professional complainer) has recently called for a wide ban on the word nigger. Once again, what about freedom of speech? Fuck you some people get offended by your words says Jesse. I personally was not aware that Jesse Jackson could tell us what we could and couldn’t say.

Despite what many people say racism can be fun. Take the story of Racist Locomotive Engineer Warren Lumis. He would lure unsuspecting negros on the train tracks with the promise of being pooped on by a glorious white woman. The ebony prey would sit on the tracks waiting for his alabaster scat dream. Drunk on moonshine wearing a new bonnet Warren would come blaring down the tracks atop his steam engine screamin "Nigger, I shit TRAINS" and hit them with a train. I am deadly serious. I don’t know about you but when I found this out, “Nigga I shit TRAINS” became an instant catch phrase for at least a month.

So what’s the moral of this post? People get offended way to fucking easily. Nigger is probably the most offensive word in the English dictionary if put in context. But it can also be used as a happy hello for your friends.

I'm confused....

Nigga! I shit TRAINS!

I'm still alive...

2006-11-22T21:08:00.000-08:00

Yes I know. It’s been a while. I have been busy with too much bullshit. I have somewhat simplified my life now but still no relief. I very hung over and tired thus I don’t believe I'll be able to create a post to the calibre of "hardcore's" so I will just give you a brief summary of some of some of the things going through my head.

News Flash! Playstation 3 will be able to cure cancer

I spilt beer all over my laptop and now it's sticky :(
Could have been worse

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBy7NJAcusU
"I'm spiritual warrior! Their not Christian!!"

It doesn't matter when I die (when I die!). Just matters that I cut the line. Black box won’t bring my black ass down.

TOO MANY DEATHS. I have known a bunch of people who have died over the past year. I know allot of people who mates have died as well. One in a car crash, one killed herself, one overdosed after breaking up with they're long term partner, one was diagnosed with terminal cancer and apparently only has 4 more months of painful life left. It sucks. We need less deaths and more weddings. Going to a mates wedding would be awesome. Someone man up and ask your women to marry you so that I can have a good time.

Fucking U2! Fuck U2! Fuck all the fuckwits who are going and fucktards that like them! Fucking tax dodging potato loving goodie do gooder faggots! Fuck them

I got my first sun burn of the season. Yay?

My Ipod broke :(

I want to go to the Dogs Bollix but have never gotten around to it. Is it any good?

I am considering going to Columbia at the start of next year. Long story. All I about it is its hot, they speak Spanish, Pablo Escobar started a couple of civil wars, their national past time is kidnapping gringos. Plus its going to be expensive so I'm not too sure about it.

The below picture best displays my life at the moment.

Yes it’s confusing. Believe me I know! Bare in mind the whole picture is my life and inside my mind. I don't think I could relate to one of those mighty gladiators.

Hardcores of the world (I hate study)

2006-11-06T15:48:00.000-08:00

You've probably noticed the recent trends of anger pent up inside the last few updates. If not then you are a fucking idiot and you should go back to school so you can fail all over again. I blame study and training for the rage. I don’t apologise though, everyone it has been pointed at rightfully deserves a bitchslapping.

That aside, in an act of total procrastination I have hunted down 3 of the most hardcore species in the world, just for you! I have an exam tomorrow on Religious conflict between 650-1680AD and you know what? Fuck the reformation! This is information that will someday save your life or at least give you something to think about the next time you bad mouth the animal kingdom you foolish human. Special thanks to the discovery channel for distracting me in my time of need.

3rd place: Camel Spider

This is another reason why we need to build a gigantic wall around the Middle East and give it a two hundred year time lock so they can kill everyone and everything in it. Someone who is now in the army told me this in a history class one day and I have thought of the logistics of it ever since. Anyway, this fucking monster has a lot of myths about its speed and strength however there a few things you can bet on when come up against one of these. It can run 30 kilometres an hour, it can jump 4 meters and it feasts on flesh. Their poison acts as numbing agent which at first seems dumb. However their way of feeding is they inject their poison while said mammal is sleeping then begin to eat what ever they can. This spider has teeth, TEETH! There are stories of people waking up with half a face missing and a full looking camel spider still nibbling at what’s left of their cheek. Above is a picture ofthe mighty United States Army fighting defeating the insurgency hired spiders of death.

2nd place: Velociraptor

I thank god every day that aliens invaded earth 65 million years ago and wiped dinosaurs from the face of the earth. Without the hunger of aliens for reptile burgers we would surely not be here. Instead these sharp tooth demons would have the world in their iron grip and I can tell you this, it wouldn’t be a democracy! It is known by scientists around the world that raptors can open doors which gave them an advantage over all other dinosaurs. After the door is open they would trick you into thinking the attack was coming from the front but really the queen is waiting to your left to attack. By the time you realise this you hear a low growl coming from behind the nearest bush. As you try to swing your shotgun towards the poised queen all you have time to say is "clever girl". Seconds later the clever girl is ripping your innards out.

Mother fucking 1st place: Fluke

The Fluke is by far the most fucking hard out critter on the face of the fucking earth. Yes the profanity is necessary in this case. I will explain the life cycle of these things. Firstly they are normally born in the stomach of a bird (I'll explain how they get there soon). These little guys outer skin is impervious to stomach acids so they can live happily in a stomach all their lives if they wanted. However they have other plans. The bird will eat and eat but find itself still hungry. This is because the baby flukes are eating all the food that enters its stomach. Once they reach a healthy size they normally make their way to the bowels and get shat out. BUT the Flukes of the Amazon eat the birds insides then eat they’re way out.

After they are out of the bird they find the nearest insect to inhabit, preferably a snail. From here they infect the snail. The snail’s antennas change colour to a shad of red with splats of yellow and then they begin to pulse. The Fluke is now in control. Firstly it lays its parasite eggs inside the insect. Then it changes the snail’s mental behaviour to make it want to climb as high it can. It does this so that a bird will see the climbing snail and eat it. Thus completing the cycle. More Flukes are born in the stomach.

If these things ever gained consciousness and the ability to control homosapians, the human race is fucked. These little fuckers are invasion of the body snatchers personified.

Was this a waste of time? Yes. Is this the Internet? Maybe. Right! well, I'm off to pair all my socks

Fuck you Hilary Barry and Mike McRoberts

2006-11-06T15:11:00.000-08:00

Channel Three news has lost all my respect. I use to prefer it to Channel One because old people like channel one. Now I am convinced they're all shit. Three has been wanking off about how terrible fireworks are from the second they went on sale. Every night the evil hordes of firework wielding youths creating fires is one of the top three stories. Fuck them and their stupid fucking old person politics. Toni Marsh is getting on in her years and is no longer the lure that she use to be. There is now not a single damned reason to like that self promoting bullshit show. After they released that stupid ass OMG NEW ZEALAND IS BEEN GASED LIKE THE JEWS BUT LUCKY WE’RE HERE TO CATCH THE NAZI’S!!!!! segment it was the headlining story every night for a fucking week. They actually deemed this to be more news worthy than Saddam Hussein getting sentenced to death by hanging. What a crock of shit.

Agreed there are many fuck wits in New Zealand who should not have access to fireworks. However, I'm of the opinion that if they are stupid enough to blow off their hands they don't deserve the use of them. Put a higher age limit on fireworks! This would solve allot of problems because the 14 - 19 demographic are the ones that are been "hooligans" with them. I have had my teen fun with destruction now like any good older citizen I want to deprive those little bastards from what I did because now they are fucking up my good time. I'm not been sarcastic and I know what your thinking, “oh he is just a bitter hypocrite” but deep down you are all thinking the same thing. You’re only lying to yourself.

The New Zealand government is going to ban fireworks because of 3 News.
FCUK THE BAN

omg wtf got pwnd by in7ne7 rap

2006-10-29T22:32:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what the fuck happened to my site. Some slack minded fuckwit somehow got their moronic keyboard slappery onto my fucking page. So I apologise to any of you who actually read it all. I have tried to decipher this strange language into viable English but even then it didnt make sense. Out of dedication I have recreated my post that got owned by this invasion of the idiotic kind (all the phones are fucked at work so there isn't really much else to do). Its updated with 100% more pictures, 80% less spelling mistakes and 14.8% more hilarity.

For educational reasons I would like to examine this bizarre language to see what we can get out of it; here is what was posted:

felt tt i cannot coz i nv ut my heart into studying bah.would my future end up in ite or poly? or maybe retain?hahass really dun noe.but i think all depends on thei 10 days ba.loads of ppl in my class have not started studying .ytd at 838 ther yh sae he plannig to go to clementi ite with caocao...hahasheard from suresh tt his brother went to rp with 26 point and he took the course bio medical..maybe i wann choose rp..hahas coz got indoor basketball court.actually wanting to go rp is easy la coz they think highly of basketball and wans to pull ppl to rp beacuse of basketball.my friend did not quite well in and r still wans him but he choose ite...hahasltr going school for training...hahas...XDtakaireee allGOOD LUK TO those taking o lvl ((:waiting for O lvl to ends quicky xDtaking o lvl ((:waiting for O lvl to ends quicky xD

If this is your first time reading it, I am sorry. I am well aware I just made the world a dumber place by prolonging this retards drivel further but I think all will benefit from been ham bashed in the face with the fact that the world is very much still full of fuckwits. Honestly, a drunk porpoise slapping around on top of the keyboard would have been able to make more coherent sense than that drivel.

Take this little gem for instance: "to go rp is easy la coz they think highly of basketball and wans to pull ppl to rp beacuse (sic) of basketball" WHAT THE FUCK !!! you are taking easy because people think highly of basket ball because you want to pull people into rp (rep, as in representing a team perhaps) because of basketball. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!?!! God I need to go rest or something this made me angry.

Through the clues provided in the utter fuckery written I was able to use my detective powers to hunt down a picture numb skulled retard that gayed up the internet a little bit more with his talk of basketball and exams.

God Damned Split-tails v1.5

2006-10-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

edit: some of my rage has dissipated since this post but I will try to put myself into the same frame of mind for academic purposes

For centuries they have been plaguing man kind with their bitching, manipulating and moaning. Wah you left the toilet seat up. You need it down, we need it up. Your a big girl, give it a tap and if its well hinged gravity should take care of the rest. This is but one of the examples men across the world must deal with. If you look back throughout human history this has always been the same. There is evidence to show that Octavian was merely dragging Cleopatra's name through the mud for political reasons when he called her a gargantuan whore but look at the facts. She was fucking Julius Caesar and Marc Antony, who just happen to be two of the most powerful men in the world. Octavian (later known as Augustus) was not getting the pussy though, hence the slander.

If you are with a girl it is easier. Simple fact. There is allot of talk about how been in a relationship sucks because you have to deal with all the chicks problems all the time, WRONG! You get sex on tap, she will make you food and run around for you (if your not whipped, but people who are whipped should be fucking shot anyway). When your single you get none of the above. Think about it, how many one night stands have you had dinner and breakfast made for you, not have to worry about the fucking clap and not had to deal with morning awkwardness? exactly

But because of the lack of easy sex there is much more anger towards the female type. I recently got out of a long relationship so am experiencing first hand these problems. Even if you have a few girls been juggled around there is no such thing as 100%. You also open yourself up for the dreaded "oh u fuckd dat bitch didnt ya". When you are telling your mate about your recent nights conquests and he calls bullshit normally it is laughed off with a "your just jealous" type of come back. But reverse the situation. Your mate is telling you, you slept with someone you didnt, oh the fury. Especially if she is someone who is going to degrade your spotless reputation (tui: yea right). Fist are clenched, blood starts to pump, tempers reach a violent level, then the words that are spoken in one variant or another before the fists are let loose
"GOD DAMN IT I DIDNT FUCK THAT BITCH!! I'LL KILL YOU!!"

I tested this last week and a well minded tipsy individual was almost pushed to the point of violence. Haha priceless.

Just remember guys:

No matter how hot she is, some other guy is sick of her shit.

All's quiet on the Western front

2006-10-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

I got kicked out of a bar because of the fool pictured fell asleep on the table.

Also after last week's epic drink off, the recent prospect of an impending training camp with 39 fitness freaks and a very limited budget I've cut back on the drink. Not enjoying it but it unfortunately seems necessary.

Also a certain crazed Russian is out of the picture, David loves chicks with dicks, Matt has one nut, Nikki is manipulative, and my girls in Dunedin remain beautiful.

Have a drink on me you lucky bastards.

My Nemesis has a colour. That colour is Orange

2006-10-09T20:29:00.000-07:00

Saturday night I experienced a new kind of evil. It lured me in with its bright colours, its 9% volume, its copious 3 litres and its astonishing value of $16.95. But don’t be fooled brothers and sistas! The Russian devil is truly a bringer of pain and devastation upon every unfortunate soul its siren voice cries out to.

3 litres later I'm in the infamous K'road Ball room where upon my comrade in arms (he had been drinking the devil water from his own 3 litres) promptly tried to fight his mate over a text. You know who you are. BUT DONT BE ASHAMED! Oh no for it is not your fault my child! The unspoken evil had possessed you with the same coloured hatred I was soon to experience.

Were else do you end up when slugging back jack Daniels and devil orange? The Whitehouse of course! I have heard 3rd hand stories of my apparent conquests from people who have no right to talk large. One fellow in particular ended up been whipped down the cat walk in his boxers by two strippers on his hands and knees while his "mates" cheered him on and tried to slap him on the ass. Some how me giving a desperate women $10 to dance around doesn’t seem as bad. Below is a sneaky pic of the said idiot crawling away his dignity.

More pictures would have been available but I was yelled at by a topless waitress.

I figure the moral of the story is this: Strip clubs are good as long is someone else is making a bigger fool of themselves

I don’t like maxims that encourage behaviour modification.

Tired I'am, Awwww get over it

2006-10-02T02:54:00.000-07:00

Dunedin. I've been there a few times before and funnily enough I come out of the freezing city feeling the in the same state; hung over, broke, confused, but in a overall good mood. The city itself has nothing to it. As N word notoriously preached "Auckland is better in every which way. Take the good things about Dunedin...Auckland does it better". This caused some problems but one thing you need to know about N word is that she is a rude witch (self admittedly so). The reason I go to Dunedin is the people in it. Pity about the city.

One major problem I have with Dunedin people, however, is this gigantic romanticizing aura that surrounds them in regards to alcohol. I don't want to blow my own horn or anything but I have yet to find anyone who can match me blow for blow, beautiful binding hour after hour with out sleep (a bit of a reoccurring theme in this blog) in Dunedin. Met a few in Auckland, none in Dunedin. But give them an A for effort Auckland, they try.

Pictures lol:

Packing omg

I keep my phone on in planes. Fuck you Air New Zealand. I don’t want your fucking cookie and a cup of water. Where the hell is my bag of honey roasted peanuts and complimentary booze. Assholes

This person is responsible for my near death. She led me on a wide goose chase up a gigantic hill telling me that it was the fast way to her house. When in reality it was mount mother fucking Everest. Granted there was about $80 worth of cheap spirits pumping through our veins no excuse for leading up that creepy ass street.

The Speight’s ale house. Nice place. Expensive though. I was there on a hung over morning at bout 11am. My stomach was a little iffy and I was tired so I ordered a Red Bull and Vodka. But they serve Red Eye....

I come home hung over, tired and a little shitty that I had to nurse an air scared witch through the most turbulent plane ride ever. This captain resembled George Clooney’s character in the Perfect storm, to a smaller scale obviously:Idiot: "there is the biggest storm in recorded history between us and the main land, we can either wait out here and loose a 2g pay cheque or attempt to sail through it"Clooney: "Sounds like the obvious choice is we sail. Why ask?"I'm still alive, Clooney’s character is not....hehe

Back to the point I came home to this:

A terrible fucking mess with no food in the house. One nut strikes again. But in retaliation, you will be happy to read that cleaned out the shower drain and placed all of the hairy gunk into Matt's yoghurt. Enjoy

48 hour tempest

2006-09-19T20:18:00.000-07:00

I have recently achieved a higher level spiritual enlightenment. How did I do this I hear you ask? Was it from meditation? Noooo. Was it from reading the bible? Noooo. Was it from eating right? Noooo. The answer is simple my meandering dullets, sleep deprivation! Upon meeting someone who resembles the coked up nut case of Primal Scream's Country Girl music video ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oj6WL7deWDY if you can be bothered ) I proceeded to drink, snort, punch, limp, fuck, head butt, get locked out of my flat, snooker, run, get punched, fall over and work through 48 of the most bizarre hours of my life. I wish I had some pictures for you but my phone was missing in action for a great deal of the time.

Due to conflicting timetables I have not seen M to the double T'izzel this week which has been a beautiful thing. I'll be leaving Auckland in the ever capable hands of Viren, recently promoted to Lieutenant Corporal, because I must venture to Dunedin to spread the gospel!

"Oh yay and J cometh to the land of cold! On thy arrival he spoketh "let there be indulgence" and it was good"

The dropping of Little Boy and Fatman. Also revelations at the end

2006-09-16T00:06:00.000-07:00

Oh the audacity of that mother fucker. First he throws his dumb points on my internet and now a reply! Up with this I will not put. For the sake of soon to be tradition I’ll go through his weakly composed reply in the same fashion. It could get confusing having been the 3^rd and final chapter of this trilogy of stupidity. Onwards!

"I’ll keep this short"
You failed.

Touché! I must admit I got carried away but there was just so much to work with.

"The reliance on the human race believing in the god is not only a direct rip off of Terry Pratchett's book Small Gods"
Clearly you are ignorant of the discworld series at large, as the concept is present in many of his books. I haven't even read Small Gods!

Yes I am well aware that the concept is prevalent throughout the series but Small Gods is the book based on the discworld beliefs in their gods. Whether you have read small gods or not is irrelevant. You’re still a biter.

"I have also left the copious amounts of spelling and grammar errors in your writing for effect."
"In New Zealand its September 11th"
Where's your apostrophe, bitch? It's not present, as far as I can see! grammar my ass.

Congratulations. You found one grammar error on my entire site. That still does not detract from the mighty 53 mistakes which are on yours.

"If god is fuelled and/or given consciousness through belief how was this god originally created? What about the couple of billion years the oh so important human race was not around for."
You completely missed my point. If you had understood anything I wrote, you'd see that he DIDN'T exist then - only when, at some point, a smart guy had this idea to say that there was a big man in the sky watching everything you do, to convince everyone that doing bad things like rhymin' and stealin' wasn't such a good idea, and also as one big catchall deus ex macina for all the unanswerable questions, like "why does everything exist".

Not my fault you have the syntax of a drunken gorilla. Also this quote “A creature of pure idea and thought, possibly givenconsciousness through significant belief in it.” Possibly given consciousness? Wait I thought you were saying there was no god. But now the made up god has been given consciousness as well? Clearly you are playing a different kind of ball game here.

"So let me some up your argument into a more concise fashion: God is made up. If a creature is constructed on idea and thoughts this does not give it consciousness torule over any other living being. No matter how hard I think about money on my table it will not appear."
You miss the point. My idea is that gods' exist PURELY in the minds of their believers; they don't have any physical presence whatsoever, and are instead active as a sort of 'hive-mind' effect. The ideas their believers have about the way they should act forms their 'consciousness'. They never exist outside their minds, but the idea of god in each person's mind is affected by them sharing their ideas with another believer - or, more likely, the ideas of their local pastor.

So let me some up your argument into a more concise fashion: God is made up.

"(Joel flops out his history knowledge and waves it around. I'm not going to quote it here.)"
You can cite all the wars you want, but they were all started by men who just used god as an excuse to poke holes in people they didn't like. God himself didn't actually do any of that crap; he's just been moping around, like I said. When was the last time history had recorded anything resembling a miracle? My knowledge of history may be fairly lacking, but I'm pretty sure that you'll find that nothing of the sort will've been written for atleast a couple thousand years.

If bringing examples and evidence to my argument thus strengthening it is a crime then I guess I’m guilty.

There is also no evidence to prove that god doesn’t exist.

The last “proven” miracle was in 1991 with that famous bleeding statue of Mary. There were also a bunch of kids born without brains who are alive in a clinic without the need for life support in Germany about 4 years ago. I’d call that a miracle.

That last sentence is a bit vague so I thought I’d cover my bases so we don’t have to continue this run around.

Assuming you were talking about this “as stated in basically any book dedicated to the subject in the last 50 years.” Hate to break it to you but OH SHIT HERE COMES ANOTHER EXAMPLE. The first time this theory was stated then proven throughout the book was in Greek Historical Thought by Arnold J. Toynbee, first published in 1954. The theory was further revived and developed by Sarah Pomery in Ancient Greece: a political, social and cultural history published firstly in 1993.

"Which would in turn makes a god’s existences as irrational and irrelevant as a cock flavoured lollypop."
Gay people like lollipops too, you know.

Watch DodgeBall

"Blair witch"
That movie sucked.
Well at least we can meet on common ground about something.

"FIRST BLOOD IS MINE"Well, I certainly can't dispute this

You did not draw that blood. Neither did internet stupidity. Itwas done but a drunk one nut bastard who will soon be no more (Holy Crusade against matt to be continued shortly)

Hopefully this will deter David from further comment but knowing Davo it will probably whip him into a chicken-nacho fuelled frenzy. However a famous picture comes to my mind in this situation

What have we become? In trying to fight the beast I have begun to turn into that I seek to vanquish. The quelling of stupidity is not worth my soul. However i have spent the last 10 minutes typing this and I'll be damned if that much of my life goes to waste because of some retarded kid in race. After this, I shall lay my sword to rest and continue with the sought destruction and or totally humilation of a fiend whos name will not be mentioned.

Edit after Comment:

If by owning you on dumb rantings then tearing apart your lame comeback and then getting sick of it pussying out, well I guess once again I'm guilty.

Good job retard

War is declared on internet stupidity

2006-09-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

Although this will be a fruitless battle, it must be waged for the honour and dignity of our generation.

The following link exhibits the ignorance of the internet in its highest caliber. A blog about religion. Sure it’s the bain of our existence! Sure it’s killed more people then cancer and the plague! However, that does not give anyone an excuse to make an idiot of themselves on the subject.

http://ihopeyoulovemyballs.blogspot.com/

Religion! I defend the from fools:

Although your piece on religion vastly displays your obvious ignorance to the topic I have gracious decided to point out the parts that struck me as overly moronic throughout the incoherent drivel. I’ll keep this short by breaking it down into points so the jelly of self righteousness that has coated your mind does not boil. I have also left the copious amounts of spelling and grammar errors in your writing for effect.

Still though, why do I need to pledge my life and eternal soul to some fictionary being,

Fictionary is not a word. You are looking for “fictional”.

Coming to this conclusion, I just needed to change my definition of what a god is. I think that a god is not the creator of the universe - who created the universe, why it exists and all that, are questions I doubt we'll ever find the answer to; and even if we contact the creator somehow, I don't think they'd know why THEY exist; it's logically impossible for something to know what is outside the realm of it's existence

Yes that is one big sentence you got there. So you believe that god is not the creator of the universe. Welcome to the club. You join the elites such as Yessah (the Jewish god if you didn’t know), a little fellow called Buddha and who could forget Allah. All of these gods do not claim to have created the universe in the sense that you have portrayed.

Jumping back to Christianity because that is the only religion you seem to have any sort of wet grasp on. Wouldn’t it be logically impossible for a god who supposedly created the universe and everything in it, to not understand what is outside the realm of such a trivial point of existence? The Christian god is infinite in time and space and because of his omnipotence does not need to obey the rules put in place by himself.

Maybe i'm wrong, and if someone could explain to me why, i'd be glad to hear from you, but please, no deus ex machina explanations; your own ignorance is no substitute for a valid argument.

You are indeed wrong but it is hard to explain to you what you are wrong about. This is because you have not introduced any sort of evidence, or argument for that matter, into what you have said. Your own ignorance is no substitute for valid argument does ring true to this situation despite there been no argument even present.

No, I believe a god is a being created and fueled by it's believers. A creature of pure idea and thought, possibly given conciousness through significant belief in it.

So let me some up your argument into a more concise fashion: God is made up. If a creature is constructed on idea and thoughts this does not give it consciousness to rule over any other living being. No matter how hard I think about money on my table it will not appear. Even if I got the entire world to think hard it would not happen. Many people though the Blair witch was real but their dedication and belief to the topic did not magically create a Blair witch in the forests of Maine.

Let’s assume for a minute that this theory did have grounds and was taken as a valid argument. Allow me to punch a whole in the delicately formed web, if god is fuelled and/or given consciousness through belief how was this god originally created? What about the couple of billion years the oh so important human race was not around for. God works in mysterious ways I guess.

In the same way the cells in our body are all independent organisms, but combine to form a whole 'being', I think that the beliefs in certain gods combines to form their 'body', or conciousness

I don’t know what's more disturbing, you’re understanding of metaphysical structuring or your understanding of basic biology. Firsts of all, the cells in our body are not organisms. They are cells. Organisms are comprised by cells. So a god’s body and their consciousness is the same thing? Okay I’ll buy that for a second. The reliance on the human race believing in the god is not only a direct rip off of Terry Pratchett's book Small Gods but is also arrogantly impossible as stated in the paragraph above.

Kind of circular logic; individual believers are influenced by the collaborative beliefs of this entity that they themselves have formed.

So once again if they formed it how did it get there? Was there no such thing as god to begin with? Which would in turn makes a god’s existences as irrational and irrelevant as a cock flavoured lollypop.

While many are still remembered, such as ancient greek and roman gods, nobody seriously believes they exist anymore, except a few dedicated believers, most who do so half-heartedly.

The ancient Roman religion was merely a bastardised version of the Greek gods. Most rural and peasant Greeks (who made up the majority of society) did not actually buy into the multi-theological structuring that nineteenth century scholars would have us believe, as stated in basically any book dedicated to the subject in the last 50 years. So if nobody believed in them to begin with, wouldn’t this once again make the god not real but merely a story? Also saying that “a few dedicated believers worship half heartedly” is a contradiction if you read that sentence again.

Kind of a shame really, because personally I think the greek gods were a hell of alot more interesting than the pissant ones we've got today. They had more character, and got involved in people's lives alot more, whereas the christian God (only one? what a copout!) seems to have just been moping around ever since we killed his son

The Greek gods rarely got involved with everyday peoples lives. The only time a god was involved was if a hero was involved such as Odysseus or Heracles (yes Heracles, Hercules was the roman version). Fundamentalist Christians would have us believe that god has indeed been influencing the world long after Jesus was killed. Let me give you just a few examples: the crusades, the plague, the great fire of 1666, the defeat of Jerusalem at the hands of Selah ha Dem in 1187. Not to mention all of the wars that have taken place since Augustus’ war with Gaul which was raging while Jesus was born through to the recent conflict between Palestine and Israel. More people have died at the hands of other people in the 20th Century alone than every single war and act of genocide in prehistory combined. And that is just the Christian god. I would not call that moping at all.

In Christian belief it was god’s will that Jesus was to be sacrificed for the sins of man. The night before Judas betrayed him to the Romans, Jesus was given a choice by god who informed him of the things to come. Jesus chose to be killed for the sins of man.

Ouch

FIRST BLOOD IS MINE

Foiled

2006-09-12T03:23:00.000-07:00

Matt stabbed me in the thumb when I tried to kill him last night.

This only further strengths my resolve for bloody vengeance. I have a drawn a new plan that will not fail. It is inspired by king Darius of Ancient Persia.

"I cut off his nose, his ears, and his tongue, and I put out one eye, and he was kept in fetters at my palace entrance, and all the people beheld him. Then did I crucify him and flayed and hung out his hide, stuffed with straw"
Behistun Inscription 515BC

I don’t want to give away too much but that covers the gist of it. That one nut bastard is going down my friends. It’s only a matter of time.

ALSO

Here is an artist’s interpretation of me holding back the waves of oblivion. No need to thank me they weren't that tough.

PS: Jessica is a bitch

K Road Residents

2006-09-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

In New Zealand its September 11th so the USA 9/11 can fuck off. I suppose I have to say something about the attacks otherwise it is just like the gigantic pink elephant in the living room that nobody mentions. Statement follows:

September 11th lol. Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light

I had a conversation with this homeless fellow the other night. It had hilarious consequences.

I'm number one, two is not a winner and three nobody remembers

2006-09-10T05:29:00.000-07:00

This is the first post I have made. I created this site to inform the general public on the adventure that is my life. Please wont you join me.