Hardcores of the world (I hate study)

You've probably noticed the recent trends of anger pent up inside the last few updates. If not then you are a fucking idiot and you should go back to school so you can fail all over again. I blame study and training for the rage. I don’t apologise though, everyone it has been pointed at rightfully deserves a bitchslapping.

That aside, in an act of total procrastination I have hunted down 3 of the most hardcore species in the world, just for you! I have an exam tomorrow on Religious conflict between 650-1680AD and you know what? Fuck the reformation! This is information that will someday save your life or at least give you something to think about the next time you bad mouth the animal kingdom you foolish human. Special thanks to the discovery channel for distracting me in my time of need.

3rd place: Camel Spider

This is another reason why we need to build a gigantic wall around the Middle East and give it a two hundred year time lock so they can kill everyone and everything in it. Someone who is now in the army told me this in a history class one day and I have thought of the logistics of it ever since. Anyway, this fucking monster has a lot of myths about its speed and strength however there a few things you can bet on when come up against one of these. It can run 30 kilometres an hour, it can jump 4 meters and it feasts on flesh. Their poison acts as numbing agent which at first seems dumb. However their way of feeding is they inject their poison while said mammal is sleeping then begin to eat what ever they can. This spider has teeth, TEETH! There are stories of people waking up with half a face missing and a full looking camel spider still nibbling at what’s left of their cheek. Above is a picture ofthe mighty United States Army fighting defeating the insurgency hired spiders of death.

2nd place: Velociraptor

I thank god every day that aliens invaded earth 65 million years ago and wiped dinosaurs from the face of the earth. Without the hunger of aliens for reptile burgers we would surely not be here. Instead these sharp tooth demons would have the world in their iron grip and I can tell you this, it wouldn’t be a democracy! It is known by scientists around the world that raptors can open doors which gave them an advantage over all other dinosaurs. After the door is open they would trick you into thinking the attack was coming from the front but really the queen is waiting to your left to attack. By the time you realise this you hear a low growl coming from behind the nearest bush. As you try to swing your shotgun towards the poised queen all you have time to say is "clever girl". Seconds later the clever girl is ripping your innards out.

Mother fucking 1st place: Fluke

The Fluke is by far the most fucking hard out critter on the face of the fucking earth. Yes the profanity is necessary in this case. I will explain the life cycle of these things. Firstly they are normally born in the stomach of a bird (I'll explain how they get there soon). These little guys outer skin is impervious to stomach acids so they can live happily in a stomach all their lives if they wanted. However they have other plans. The bird will eat and eat but find itself still hungry. This is because the baby flukes are eating all the food that enters its stomach. Once they reach a healthy size they normally make their way to the bowels and get shat out. BUT the Flukes of the Amazon eat the birds insides then eat they’re way out.

After they are out of the bird they find the nearest insect to inhabit, preferably a snail. From here they infect the snail. The snail’s antennas change colour to a shad of red with splats of yellow and then they begin to pulse. The Fluke is now in control. Firstly it lays its parasite eggs inside the insect. Then it changes the snail’s mental behaviour to make it want to climb as high it can. It does this so that a bird will see the climbing snail and eat it. Thus completing the cycle. More Flukes are born in the stomach.

If these things ever gained consciousness and the ability to control homosapians, the human race is fucked. These little fuckers are invasion of the body snatchers personified.

Was this a waste of time? Yes. Is this the Internet? Maybe. Right! well, I'm off to pair all my socks