One ham to rule them all and one pimpin son of a bitch to bind his ass
Entering my apartment today there was a strange aroma in the air. After sniffing around I managed to isolate where the smell was coming from, my fridge. In a split second, my mind raced with all the possibilities of what it could be.
Milk? I haven’t bought any milk for weeks
Bread? The loaf was left on the counter
Butter? I haven’t had it long enough for it to go off (if butter ever does)
Jam? Jam is delicious
After exhausting all options of the contents of my fridge, I decided that I might as well just check to see. But as I reached for the door my hand froze as I realised the frightening realisation of the origin of the smell. A creature from an inter-dimensional vortex had some how managed to rip a hole in the space/time continuum and enter our reality through a portal created in the back of my fridge. After such a feat the creature must have much of its strength drained. It would be resting in my fridge until it had regained its strength and once this occurred there would be no stopping it. It would burst from its cold smell ridden white tomb and go forth to cause havoc all over the world until it had consumed the entire human race.
I quickly looked around my flat for a weapon. The closest item of worth was a large carving knife. With this in hand I once again placed my hand on the door of the fridge and prepared myself to fight for humanity. I pulled the door and let it swing open slowly with my knife at the ready. And there, resting on the bottom shelf was a ham. This was not just any ham; it was a delicious looking ham. I never bought that! I screamed to no one. As my stomach grumbled I remember how hungry I was. Many of you guys haven’t known me long enough to know that when I get hungry I get really shitty and unreasonable. If only I could have solved this problem
earlier. After not eating all day I decided that a ham would go down just swell. A hunger I had never felt before made me forget about my crusade for the human race. The ham was all mesmerising.
I placed the delightful chunk of flesh on my counter and began to cut off the top layer of fat with the knife I was holding.
No sooner had I cut off the top layer of fat then the ham began to float. It rotated slowly until a
face had formed.
“PUNY MORTAL” It said in all caps. “YOU HAVE AWOKEN MY AFTER MY TRAVELS. NOW I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR AMAZING MAN STRENGTH INTO MY OWN. WITH YOUR POWER AND INTELLIGENCE I WILL MAKE SHORT WORK OF THIS DISGUSTING PLANET”
“Like shit you will!” I replied as I began hacking away at the pompous floating meat. It tried to fight back but it was no match for my very developed biceps of doom. Soon the whole kitchen was covered in ham.
In all of my slicing and dicing a piece of ham got onto my hand. All of the sudden the little pieces of ham that I had sliced up began to wiggle towards me. I tried to stop it but there were too many of the sticky little fuckers. They swarmed up my hand and soon my whole body was covered in pink ham.
“HAHA” I heard the maniacal laugh of the ham voice but not through my ears but actually inside my head. “I HAVE TAPED INTO YOUR BRAIN. YOU HAD NO DEFENSES UP AGAINST MY SUPERIOR INTELECT! HERE IS WHAT I HAVE PLANNED FOR YOU! YOU WILL BE MY FIRST HAM MINION”. I suddenly had a flash of myself as a ham been commanded around by Lord Ham.
“My god!” I thought.
“LORD HAM WILL DO YOU FOOL” the voice cut me off.
“It looks like the world would doomed to be ruled by ham”
“THAT IS RIGHT MORTAL”
“Not only are you stupid but you are rude, cutting people off like that”
“YOU DARE TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT. WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘WOULD BE DOOMED’?”
“You forgot one thing lord ham” I said with a grin on my face “In placing your consciousness inside my mind to control me you underestimated the strength I have”. Lord Ham gasped as he (if it even had a gender) realised what I was doing. “Instead of you devouring my strength, I have tricked you into letting down my mental guard and let you enter my mind. Now, you are mine!”
“NO! I STILL CONTROL YOUR BODY! I WILL KILL YOU BEFORE YOU COULD DO SUCH A THING” as he said this, I saw my hand reach back for the knife. I had however planned for this, through years of mental training I commanded my head to move towards my arm and I began eating the ham.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Lord Ham screamed. I didn’t listen to his cries as I began to devour lord ham’s incarnate body. I didn’t stop until there was nothing left.
By the end there was no ham left. Only the power of which lord ham previously had. Instead of keeping the world dominating power to myself I cast to back into the void of which it came and sealed the portal. That is how I once again save the reality of which we live in.
Milk? I haven’t bought any milk for weeks
Bread? The loaf was left on the counter
Butter? I haven’t had it long enough for it to go off (if butter ever does)
Jam? Jam is delicious
After exhausting all options of the contents of my fridge, I decided that I might as well just check to see. But as I reached for the door my hand froze as I realised the frightening realisation of the origin of the smell. A creature from an inter-dimensional vortex had some how managed to rip a hole in the space/time continuum and enter our reality through a portal created in the back of my fridge. After such a feat the creature must have much of its strength drained. It would be resting in my fridge until it had regained its strength and once this occurred there would be no stopping it. It would burst from its cold smell ridden white tomb and go forth to cause havoc all over the world until it had consumed the entire human race.
I quickly looked around my flat for a weapon. The closest item of worth was a large carving knife. With this in hand I once again placed my hand on the door of the fridge and prepared myself to fight for humanity. I pulled the door and let it swing open slowly with my knife at the ready. And there, resting on the bottom shelf was a ham. This was not just any ham; it was a delicious looking ham. I never bought that! I screamed to no one. As my stomach grumbled I remember how hungry I was. Many of you guys haven’t known me long enough to know that when I get hungry I get really shitty and unreasonable. If only I could have solved this problem
earlier. After not eating all day I decided that a ham would go down just swell. A hunger I had never felt before made me forget about my crusade for the human race. The ham was all mesmerising.I placed the delightful chunk of flesh on my counter and began to cut off the top layer of fat with the knife I was holding.
No sooner had I cut off the top layer of fat then the ham began to float. It rotated slowly until a
face had formed.“PUNY MORTAL” It said in all caps. “YOU HAVE AWOKEN MY AFTER MY TRAVELS. NOW I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR AMAZING MAN STRENGTH INTO MY OWN. WITH YOUR POWER AND INTELLIGENCE I WILL MAKE SHORT WORK OF THIS DISGUSTING PLANET”
“Like shit you will!” I replied as I began hacking away at the pompous floating meat. It tried to fight back but it was no match for my very developed biceps of doom. Soon the whole kitchen was covered in ham.
In all of my slicing and dicing a piece of ham got onto my hand. All of the sudden the little pieces of ham that I had sliced up began to wiggle towards me. I tried to stop it but there were too many of the sticky little fuckers. They swarmed up my hand and soon my whole body was covered in pink ham.“HAHA” I heard the maniacal laugh of the ham voice but not through my ears but actually inside my head. “I HAVE TAPED INTO YOUR BRAIN. YOU HAD NO DEFENSES UP AGAINST MY SUPERIOR INTELECT! HERE IS WHAT I HAVE PLANNED FOR YOU! YOU WILL BE MY FIRST HAM MINION”. I suddenly had a flash of myself as a ham been commanded around by Lord Ham.
“My god!” I thought.“LORD HAM WILL DO YOU FOOL” the voice cut me off.
“It looks like the world would doomed to be ruled by ham”
“THAT IS RIGHT MORTAL”
“Not only are you stupid but you are rude, cutting people off like that”
“YOU DARE TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT. WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘WOULD BE DOOMED’?”
“You forgot one thing lord ham” I said with a grin on my face “In placing your consciousness inside my mind to control me you underestimated the strength I have”. Lord Ham gasped as he (if it even had a gender) realised what I was doing. “Instead of you devouring my strength, I have tricked you into letting down my mental guard and let you enter my mind. Now, you are mine!”
“NO! I STILL CONTROL YOUR BODY! I WILL KILL YOU BEFORE YOU COULD DO SUCH A THING” as he said this, I saw my hand reach back for the knife. I had however planned for this, through years of mental training I commanded my head to move towards my arm and I began eating the ham.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Lord Ham screamed. I didn’t listen to his cries as I began to devour lord ham’s incarnate body. I didn’t stop until there was nothing left.
By the end there was no ham left. Only the power of which lord ham previously had. Instead of keeping the world dominating power to myself I cast to back into the void of which it came and sealed the portal. That is how I once again save the reality of which we live in.
posted by Farva at 7:25 PM
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